Sunday, June 28, 2009

Re-thinking Life

Hello all....been about a million years since we blogged huh? Now with FB it keep us abreast with all we need to know I suppose, however, sometimes just sitting down and typing-writing-seems to be somewhat therapeutic for me-as I've said in the past. With that said...I'll get started on my "therapy".

Lots going on in my life these days. Husband has changed careers-yet again. That in itself has taken a tole on us both emotionally and financially. Of course school is out for the summer and kids are having a blast with no responsibility for the next month and half and just seems like life is moving right along-quicker than it ever has before.

The recent death of Michael Jackson (although he was one weird "Kat") has really put me into a deep thought process about life and happiness in general I think. Not that we didn't have several celebrities die this week (Farrah, Ed McMahan, Jeannie C Riley) but his did seem to be the most "tragic". Maybe because it was so sudden. The others were either sick or "old" I guess but Michael seemed to be alive and kicking one minute and dead the next. That just really makes me think about how short life is and how we only get "ONE shot" at it. No next times, no do overs, just one. And it seems the older I get the more I search for something that makes me "happy". I've done the "content" thing. Been content for so long. I've "settled" for so long. Done "the right thing" for so long. All these phrases I say to myself on a daily basis but none of them include "happy". I have always said that "Happiness is created" and I still believe that today. However it is up to ME to create my own happiness. And there are so many contributing factors in my life that lessen the ability for me being happy. Don't get me wrong, I count my blessings everyday and am thankful to GOD for my health, my children and family's health and the fact that I could be so much worse off than I am. But I also don't believe that GOD wants us walking through life, just wasting it and being "un happy". I'm kinda feeling like I need a change. What kind of change, I'm really not sure. Maybe career, maybe personal, maybe hit the lottery (ha) who knows.

Career wise, things are not going so hot for me as well. I've strived to reach the point I'm at for 15 years. I have now been there a total of 7 months and am completely "drained"!!!!! It's mentally exhausting to go into that place and deal with the drama I am required to deal with on a daily basis. Management is cut throat, don't let anybody fool ya!!! It's very political too. Especially in a federal agency like that. You spend your days "fighting". Every morning when I go into that place I feel like I have to "suit up" so to speak and get my fighting gear on cause I know I'll have to "fight" when I walk in. Now don't get me wrong, I am a fighter, and have found more of that out about myself because of this job. I am a "very hard worker" and feel like I pour my heart and soul into that place every day with little or no rewards. The sad thing is that if I fell over dead on the sidewalk of the VA tomorrow, it would be discussed for about two days. Then six months from now they'd be saying..."who was that person that feel over dead on this side walk that time, what was her name"?? That's just the reality of it. I am a "small piece" of a big organization. And that's fine, if that makes me happy! But the truth is it's not making me happy. I want to work hard. I want to achieve things but I also want to leave a legacy in life! Call me crazy but I want people to know my name!!! ha. Typical Stacey statement huh???? Or maybe I shouldn't say that I want to leave a legacy, I guess I just want to be "happy" while I'm doing it. And if the day to day grind consumes your life like it does mine, I need to change that. This job has made me really think about "what I want to be when I grow up" and I don't think it's what I'm doing now. I don't even think I want to move up higher. Like I said, I want to work and I want to work hard, but maybe at something different. Maybe I really need to think about what I'm good at, what I LIKE doing and what I can cut off at the end of a day-or at least let go for a while. Anywho....just what's going on in my head these days.

On sorda the same note, I guess my recent realizations have brought me to be a little more "sympathetic" toward how my husband feels. I get so frustrated at him for being the sometimes very irresponsible person he is, but at the end of the day, maybe he's just "searching". Maybe he's at that place where he can't find his knack (although I feel like he's hung out in "that place" for way too long) but maybe he's this person who wants to find his "happiness" and can't. I guess I got so busy working toward mine that I never stopped and thought about what it'd be like when I got there-and all this time he's been feeling what I'm feeling now. Ya think???? Who knows? I hate to go out on a limb and try to figure Bubba out cause he's a very um "complicated" person but maybe GOD needed me to take it easier on him so he gave me uncertainty as well. Funny how things like that happen huh???

Oh well, just my thoughts this morning. You now know what's going on in my crazy little head on this Sunday morning, as if you cared.ha. Life is short though and we aren't promised tomorrow or even the next hour so I just want to live it to the fullest I guess. Making the most of what I have. And be HAPPY while doing it. I think I can probably fix ALL this with one little pill (Paxil) and just save myself the worry!!! ha.Yes I should have been a doctor I know......regrets regrets!!! ha. Hope ya'll have a good Sunday though and thanks for letting me vent!

1 comment:

Jen said...

Dr. not such a good career choice. Life is short so you should go with us to vegas.