Sunday, June 28, 2009

Re-thinking Life

Hello all....been about a million years since we blogged huh? Now with FB it keep us abreast with all we need to know I suppose, however, sometimes just sitting down and typing-writing-seems to be somewhat therapeutic for me-as I've said in the past. With that said...I'll get started on my "therapy".

Lots going on in my life these days. Husband has changed careers-yet again. That in itself has taken a tole on us both emotionally and financially. Of course school is out for the summer and kids are having a blast with no responsibility for the next month and half and just seems like life is moving right along-quicker than it ever has before.

The recent death of Michael Jackson (although he was one weird "Kat") has really put me into a deep thought process about life and happiness in general I think. Not that we didn't have several celebrities die this week (Farrah, Ed McMahan, Jeannie C Riley) but his did seem to be the most "tragic". Maybe because it was so sudden. The others were either sick or "old" I guess but Michael seemed to be alive and kicking one minute and dead the next. That just really makes me think about how short life is and how we only get "ONE shot" at it. No next times, no do overs, just one. And it seems the older I get the more I search for something that makes me "happy". I've done the "content" thing. Been content for so long. I've "settled" for so long. Done "the right thing" for so long. All these phrases I say to myself on a daily basis but none of them include "happy". I have always said that "Happiness is created" and I still believe that today. However it is up to ME to create my own happiness. And there are so many contributing factors in my life that lessen the ability for me being happy. Don't get me wrong, I count my blessings everyday and am thankful to GOD for my health, my children and family's health and the fact that I could be so much worse off than I am. But I also don't believe that GOD wants us walking through life, just wasting it and being "un happy". I'm kinda feeling like I need a change. What kind of change, I'm really not sure. Maybe career, maybe personal, maybe hit the lottery (ha) who knows.

Career wise, things are not going so hot for me as well. I've strived to reach the point I'm at for 15 years. I have now been there a total of 7 months and am completely "drained"!!!!! It's mentally exhausting to go into that place and deal with the drama I am required to deal with on a daily basis. Management is cut throat, don't let anybody fool ya!!! It's very political too. Especially in a federal agency like that. You spend your days "fighting". Every morning when I go into that place I feel like I have to "suit up" so to speak and get my fighting gear on cause I know I'll have to "fight" when I walk in. Now don't get me wrong, I am a fighter, and have found more of that out about myself because of this job. I am a "very hard worker" and feel like I pour my heart and soul into that place every day with little or no rewards. The sad thing is that if I fell over dead on the sidewalk of the VA tomorrow, it would be discussed for about two days. Then six months from now they'd be saying..."who was that person that feel over dead on this side walk that time, what was her name"?? That's just the reality of it. I am a "small piece" of a big organization. And that's fine, if that makes me happy! But the truth is it's not making me happy. I want to work hard. I want to achieve things but I also want to leave a legacy in life! Call me crazy but I want people to know my name!!! ha. Typical Stacey statement huh???? Or maybe I shouldn't say that I want to leave a legacy, I guess I just want to be "happy" while I'm doing it. And if the day to day grind consumes your life like it does mine, I need to change that. This job has made me really think about "what I want to be when I grow up" and I don't think it's what I'm doing now. I don't even think I want to move up higher. Like I said, I want to work and I want to work hard, but maybe at something different. Maybe I really need to think about what I'm good at, what I LIKE doing and what I can cut off at the end of a day-or at least let go for a while. Anywho....just what's going on in my head these days.

On sorda the same note, I guess my recent realizations have brought me to be a little more "sympathetic" toward how my husband feels. I get so frustrated at him for being the sometimes very irresponsible person he is, but at the end of the day, maybe he's just "searching". Maybe he's at that place where he can't find his knack (although I feel like he's hung out in "that place" for way too long) but maybe he's this person who wants to find his "happiness" and can't. I guess I got so busy working toward mine that I never stopped and thought about what it'd be like when I got there-and all this time he's been feeling what I'm feeling now. Ya think???? Who knows? I hate to go out on a limb and try to figure Bubba out cause he's a very um "complicated" person but maybe GOD needed me to take it easier on him so he gave me uncertainty as well. Funny how things like that happen huh???

Oh well, just my thoughts this morning. You now know what's going on in my crazy little head on this Sunday morning, as if you cared.ha. Life is short though and we aren't promised tomorrow or even the next hour so I just want to live it to the fullest I guess. Making the most of what I have. And be HAPPY while doing it. I think I can probably fix ALL this with one little pill (Paxil) and just save myself the worry!!! ha.Yes I should have been a doctor I know......regrets regrets!!! ha. Hope ya'll have a good Sunday though and thanks for letting me vent!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


Boy we are just "slackers" on this whole bloggin thing aren't we?? Do ya think it has anything to do with FB????? Um Yeah, pretty sure it does. Addictive that thing is. Well unfortuantely I don't have alot to talk about on this page. Right now just happy to be living I guess.

Economy is crappy but to be honest with you I'm supporting the stimulus package in hopes that it gets better. I know some people thinks it's an "out" for the irresponsible people-such as I have been in the past-but everybody makes mistakes. Maybe these people who have been irresponsible have learned their lesson and seen how fast you can go from the penthouse to the outhouse!!! So maybe, just maybe they'll grow from it. I believe everybody deserves a 2nd chance, so hopefully this will help them out.

I'm so ready for Spring I could scream. I need some sun shine!! I so have the SAD disease!! I know I do. I get tired, depressed etc etc with these long dreary days.....ready to soak up some Vitamin D!! It just makes me feel better in general.

Been dieting again....yeah I know you're thinking whatever. But I have. Just eating lots of fruits and vegetables and cutting down on the sweets. Trying to excercise too. I really want to go to classes at the gym but finding time to do that is going to be like finding a needle in a haystack. We'll see how that works out.

Ok, now onto a delima I have.....Ball season is upon us. I've signed Ashton up for baseball. They are about to start practicing. I got a call from his coach on sunday evening telling me that he believes it would be "safer" for Ashton to play on the 5/6 year old team again this year due to his "size" this totally hit a sore spot with me. Ashton is 7 and basically he's saying he doesn't want him to move up with him-the team he's been on for 3 years....I actually couldn't even speak on the other end of the phone. He kept saying Stacey are you there? Finally I mustarded up the voice to say "why". What does size have to do with anything in baseball??? So he goes into explaining that he is just little (geez you're kidding me, I hadn't noticed...) and he thinks it would just be in his best interest (I'm thinking it would be in the best interest of the coach who's won a county championship for the past 3 years and wants to keep his title). He says he's afraid with the kids getting bigger Ash will get hurt......I literally was dumbfounded. Had no idea how to respond. Don't you think it's the parents job to worry if their kid is going to get hurt or not???? I told him I'd have to think about it and call him back. I still haven't called him back. I do NOT know what to do? I now have a bad taste in my mouth for the whole Lascassas Ball club and Ash still wants to play (cause I asked him about it) but I can't get over the fact that this is even being addressed. Am I too sensative? Or is childhood sports just getting incrediably too political???? It's one thing to be competative, I get that, I'm competative too, but to tell me my child is too little to play a sport that he's half way decent't think so. It's not like I'm signing him up for flippin basketball or something!!! Am I being unreleastic??? So I'm dealing with that.....It's stressin me and I know I need to give them an answer as they have teams to sort out, but seriously, they disrespected me so why do I really care about being respectful to them???? I think someone took a look at the roster and decided that to have a county championship team they needed this person, that person, and that person.....and Ash just happened to not be on the list....ugh. I'm just disgusted....

Well that's about it for me.....Jen, glad Hannah is better. I will blog you guys in about another um month or so!! See ya.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Spring Cleaning!!!

Time to start the Spring Cleaning guys! Today I've went to the grocery store and bought 3 boxes (of 30) trash bags! It's time to de clutter my house!!! Seriously de clutter. I will be doing a room at a time. Cleaning out everything from Toys to pictures to mattresses-the ones in Ashton's room-that is just setting on the floor. I will start cleaning things out of my house as if I were moving. Nothing else will be put back or bought new for this house until I get new flooring in. So with that said, I may have to live in empty rooms for a while but who cares!! I have never in my life let my house get as cluttered as it is now. NEVER!!! I used to keep a really clean really clutter-less house but seems like the older and I get and more I work the less I care, but I don't like living in it. So if I want something done about it, I have to do it myself. Anything you guys can think of that you want in my house-which I seriously doubt-let me know cause I might just be thinking about getting rid of it. And I'm not fooling with a yard sale, everything is doing to either the dump or Goodwill. Not fooling with yard sales, unless Dean Johnson wants to come get it-and really I don't want to let it hang out in my garage that long to wait on her to be honest....I'm serious, it's got to go. I'm just going to pretend I'm putting my house on the market to sale and clean it out.ha. Then when I get it cleaned out, I'll decide what I want to do with it. But like I said, nothing new will come back in here until I get new flooring-carpet, tile or whatever I decide to do. I can't deal anymore. So with that said, I think I'll get off my butt and go start in a room. I'm starting in Austin's room, which should be interesting. I'll start there being as it's the biggest health hazzard. Ya'll wish me luck and I'll let you know tonight if it was productive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have a good one!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 29, 2009


Well seems I've been blogging more than you guys recently huh??? Oh well, told you guys I need something to do with my hands...
Ya'll I seriously feel like I'm about to crack up over this homework/school mess. Does school stress anyone else out as bad as it does me????? I'm serious? Do ya'll get as tore up about it as I feel like I do? First of all, I'm not really talking about Austin, we all know his past and it is what it is, but Ashton....seriously...I guess I just had higher hopes and now, well, let's just say, my expectations were too high!!!!!!! Um pretty sure he made a 13 on his spelling test today. Yes I said 13!!!! As in a 1 and a 3..13! And we studied. We studied ALL week as a matter of fact, we went over his spelling words every night in addition to all the other freakin homework he had. First grade is no joke by the way Jamie. I was just in disbelief when I opened that folder and saw that test. And to talk to him about it is like talking to a wall. I just get a blank look on his's kinda like De Ja Vu (or how ever you spell that). So.....tonight we did write off's (of the spelling words), studied them, took practice spelling tests and read a story from his reading book, did a math page, studied his words for his "visual test" (yeah he has a visual reading type test on Fridays) and then read a book for AR (can't forget that AR)....pretty sure I'm tired. Tomorrow he does get to re take the spelling test and she'll take the better of the two grades for the grade book (surely it'll be better than a 13). I just don't know what has happened to him this year, it's like he was on it last year, just rollin with his school work and now...nada. Baseball sign ups are this weekend and I seriously don't know what to do? First of all we have so much home work every night that it's hard to have any xtra curricular activities when you're mother doesn't get home till 5/6/7 in the evening, then it takes the rest of the night to do homework. How do these people HAVE IT ALL???? I seriously want to know? How do people balance a career and kids and be soccer mom's etc? Maybe I'm just having a pity party tonight (and I want a cigarette so bad I can taste it so I'm just typing typing typing....) and maybe I just need to get over it. Austin, on the other hand...never brings a book home so I have no idea if he has home work or not. I guess he figures what I don't know won't hurt me huh???? ha. I said I wasn't gonna talk about him, so I won't park there. Well, I just needed to vent a little I guess. I'm really tired and I should go to bed but just still setting here.......
Jen, I'm glad you got your tooth fixed. Hope it holds up for ya. Jamie, good luck on the ol "briefing" you have to give tomorrow-Jamie has to give a brief summary of her section (orally) at the Business Office Staff meeting tomorrow-needless to say she's in a panic. But it'll be fine, just say a prayer and GOD will walk you right on through it.....ha...listen to me...need to take my own advice huh????
See ya.

Monday, January 26, 2009


Just thought I'd update, although you guys already know what's happened to me in the last week.... :)

I am feeling much better these days though for real. Haven't had a cig since last Sat. Still WANT to light up though. Taking it one day at a time. Chest Pains/Heart rate is MUCH better though I gotta admit since they poured that very bad liquid potassium down me. That was pure torture drinking that stuff. You may as well have opened up the salt shaker and poured it straight down my throat. And I'm not a big fan of salt in general. Since then I've just been trying to make sure I eat something daily with potassium in it. Hopefully that'll help. Oh and I've made sure I didn't "internalize" my stress at work...I'm working on getting better at that. Today, just fyi....I left at 430!!! Pretty sure, that's a first in a long time. And Jen, you will be able to appreciate this....I received a call today from my PCP (who also did tons of labs BEFORE sending me straight to Vanderbilt). They tell me my sugar is up and my triglycerides are up. My cholesterol was good-couldn't believe that. bout that? Cut out sweets and cut back on breads and come get it rechecked in 4 months....uh huh...I'll do that..... :)
Oh and one more thing......this is gross but I so have to blog about it-hopefully nobody is reading this but a select few-if you're not the select few oh well-
So I had this little "thing" come up a few days ago right on my how shall I say it, butt cheek. So it was kinda like a zit/boil/cyst type thing and although some people in my family are prone to those things, I've never personally had one. Well pretty sure, this "thing" was there and pretty sore. I didn't touch it or mess with it as I figured I'd just let it run it's course. Well this morning I was getting in the shower and um noticed it growing I guess you'd say. I thought to myself-being the crazy zit popper person that I am-boy I'd sure love to squeeze that....yeah try squeezing a zit on your butt and see how that works out for I just let it go. Today it's kind um bugged me, maybe it bugged me just knowing it was there but for whatever reason I thought about it alot today. So tonight I get home, do my usual routine of taking off my work clothes and slipping into something a little more comfortable (sweat pants) and I turn and look in the mirror only to see this thing is HUGE. I couldn't resist! I had to touch it. I reached back, S L I G H T L Y squeezed on it and whowza........this thing had a core in it that shot out like a cannon!!!!!!!!!!! HUGE and full of blood. Come on you all know the gushing sounds that a good zit makes when it pops? Well pretty sure I got that times 5!!!!!!!! The "thing" appeared smaller after I bleed out basically but you talk about SORE!!!!! And it looks like I have a whole the size of Egypt in my butt cheek!!!!!!!!!!!ha. I just couldn't resist telling ya'll that story. It was just cool to say the least. I've never experienced anything like that before.

Whew...I do NOT like getting old...ha.

So anyway, just thought I'd post something. Oh ya'll will be proud, I put some pics on facebook. Finally got me an album going. I was impressed with me. Of course, that's not hard though...ha. BYE!!!

Monday, January 19, 2009

A rotten evening

Yep...pretty sure the irritability has totally kicked in. Things have so got on my nerves this evening. I've yelled all night at my kids and it's 9:50pm and Ashton is still laying in the bed crying...not asleep but crying. First of all let me say I HATE homework. And the fact that my kids tend to wait till Monday night before going back to school on a long weekend before even cracking a book. What is it with these kids? Is it just me or if I never asked them to look at their backpacks they'd never do homework. Is that just my kids? Really I want to know? Do all kids just act like school doesn't exists unless YOU ask them about it???? Just once I wish one (or both would be awesome) of my kids acted like they cared a little bit about school...they could care less, both of them. For a while I thought ashton might be different, I thought he had more initiative than Austin, boy I was wrong. Negative. None. His report cards are looking more and more like Austin's every six weeks. And I am so tired of it I could scream. I can't get him to even act like he wants to read. I have to read to him every night (stupid AR tests) and I try to get him to read to me, he just mumbles a couple of words and says you do it now. So here I am back to reading, the only way I know he can read is his teacher tells me. Lazy. Pure Lazy. And it wears me out. So needless to say tonight of all nights, I needed a smoke.....but I haven't had one....yet....and I need to go to bed before I do I know.... Ugh....and basically I'm just typing so that I'll have something to do with my hands...funny huh? Bubba called and after about two seconds on the phone with me he goes, um are you in a bad mood? I said yep sure am. He chatted for about all of 5 minutes then said well I'll get off of here, hope you get some sleep and hope you get in a better mood, talk to you tomorrow! ha. Maybe I'll take his advice and go to bed. Ya'll have a good one.
Well it's Monday (MLK DAY) and I'm off work. I have a hair appointment this evening and I so dread getting out. Normally I'm excited to be getting my hair "did" but not today. I almost called and cancelled but decided to tough it out and go on.
I had a 3 day weekend this weekend and even though I worked a little bit on Saturday it's been kinda nice. I needed the rest I think. Haven't really done anything special but still enjoyed it. Well I can't really say I haven't done anything special cause I kinda have.....I'll explain....
Saturday night, we had tickets to the motocross show inside Miller Coliseum. I knew my kids would totally love it so I bought us some tickets back at Christmas time. We went to that and you would not believe the dust and dirt floating around in that place (from the track)..... So bad I could hardly breathe. So I sat through this whole thing (after a couple of coughing fits) thinking to myself, why do my lungs feel so full all of the time, why does it feel like I'm 80 years old physically when I know I'm not??? So after it was over going to the car was even worse than actually sitting in the place. It was freezing cold outside, we had a pretty good little walk to our parking space and by the time I got in the car my chest was killing me and I could seriously barely breath. I was having major chest pain-not go to the ER type chest pain, but chest pain like you have after you've just ran a race knowing you weren't in shape to do that chest pain-and after I thawed out a bit I reached in my purse and grabbed a cigarette and lit it up. I smoked about 3 drags off of it and threw it out the window. That was my last one. I haven't lit another one since. Yes it scared me, that whole night was horrible feeling the way I felt. I've been noticing my health starting to get kinda um "bad" lately I guess you'd say and just knowing that I somewhat have control over that makes me realize that I need to do better. I know that ultimately when it's our time to go, we'll go, regardless of how healthy we are, but knowing that I can do something to at least improve the quality of life I have while I'm here makes me want to do better. I had been smoke free for 10 years and I picked them back up again-and this time I LOVED it. I enjoyed it, I wanted it, they were Sooooo good....but yet I felt sooooo bad. Maybe it's cause I'm older, maybe it's cause I'm just plain "unhealthier" now than I was then, but regardless of the reasons my body was talking to me and telling me that I needed to stop. So, with that said, it's Monday evening and here I am, still no cigarettes. YEAH ME! However, with success comes a price.....I am extremely tired, I am irritable and I am so bored I can't stand it. I have nothing to do with my hands and I have to constantly think of things to do. It seems like this day is creeping by. So maybe a hair appointment is a good thing huh???? I went to the grocery store yesterday and I tried to buy healthy food, considering the last time I quit smoking I gained about 45 lbs. I do hope that doesn't happen this time. I'm trying to cut back (I didn't say cut out cause I can't give up everything at once) on the diet drinks too cause those just seem to bloat me and drink more water. So all this life style changing is hopefully good for me but be aware that I am pretty crabby and not really much fun to be around right now...ha...hopefully that'll change. Well I must go get something done to my head, maybe that'll put me in a good mood!!!! Have a good rest of the long weekend!!!